I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
