I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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