Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
