i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
3pm strippers are depressing
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
