My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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