That's when you crack a 10am beer
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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