You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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