I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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