im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
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Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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