She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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