Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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