i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
