I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
