So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
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'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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