i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
