I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?