Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
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Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.