Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
