The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize