How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
