Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
