i already hear my dad disowning me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
