Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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