I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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