cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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