How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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