..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
