Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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