I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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