Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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