Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
