Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
