its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
