I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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