the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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