I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
