He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
