So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
