"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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