remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
