i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
