i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
