clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
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He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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