My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
