the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
