She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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