went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
