im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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