I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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