ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
