EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
