this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
