he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
