Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Say something about gay babies.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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