Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I checked into jail on foursquare
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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