I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
