Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls