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On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
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