Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia