I'm so fucking centered right now
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
