sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
